I have always heard people talk about Autumn and change together, usually they are referring to the change in the color of the leaves, or the weather, or the wildlife but I associate it more with the immense changes in my life that all happened around this time of year.
The first big one would be the passing of my first child. Gabryel was delivered October 20, 2007 after we found out his heart had stopped just shy of 18 weeks. He would be 11 this year and it always hits hard with October also being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
|First pumpkin patch trip with baby Aedan 2009|
October 8, 2008 was the day Jeff and I got married, and this year would be our tenth anniversary. We had always planned on having a real wedding and reception for our tenth anniversary, however we only made it a few weeks past our fifth anniversary before he passed. I still tell my friends as they get married to do it the way they would like from the start, so much can happen and take away the opportunity to do it "right" later.
|First pumpkin patch trip with Aedan 2009|
Just around the corner is the fifth anniversary of Jeff's death, he passed November 7, 2013 and nothing has been the same since then. I recently found a quote on a blog of a friend that says "Everything broken doesn't have to be completely fixed for it to be completely fine/" This is very much how I feel that grieving Jeff has changed me, I will never be completely over it, it will never stop hurting as the boys grow up without him, but I am fine in the sense that I can keep moving forward and we all slowly continue to heal together.
Autumn was also the time of year that I found out I was pregnant with Freya and shortly after her father and I split up. Although years later we are friends and can co-parent peacefully there were a lot of struggles through that first Autumn.
|Pumpkin Patch trip with Aedan, Avery, and Freya 2017|
So after all of those big events and the many small ones peppered between I feel a sadness creep in every year when the weather starts to cool off, all of these moments replay in my head a few times until the Winter settles in and then things slowly go back to our version of normal.